AP News

Topeka, Kansas - Local cartographer Kent Lillard struck upon something unexpected yesterday morning while planting a hibiscus flower in the small garden he inherited from his late mother, Sherry. He was one small spade-full into the earth when his hand shovel met with a solid roll of $100 bills. He continued digging, only to find that the cash extended 15 miles deep, branching nearly to the edge of the Earth’s crust, and amounted to what experts are claiming as the equivalent of the United States National Debt.

“Well, I’m a little surprised,” Lillard wheezed after emerging from the sizable hole with the last handful. “I know one thing - it can’t be my mom’s. Truth be told, I don’t know where it came from. Guess I’ll have to find another spot for my flowers now.”

The news reached Washington after Lillard’s neighbor, Patsy Bingham, Tweeted what had happened. A televised statement from President Obama was broadcast shortly after.

“First of all, I would like to congratulate Mr. Lillard on his find. It is a truly remarkable discovery. I would also like to ask Mr. Lillard if I could have that money,” the President added. “Pretty please. It would be a great service to our nation.”

The effects of the finding are spreading far past the city lines of Topeka. Legions of protesters, members of the “Occupy Wall Street” movement, have piled into their van to picket Lillard’s house. A spokeswoman for the movement feverishly declared:

“The occupation of Wall Street is over. The occupation of Topeka has begun! Mr. Lillard is not entitled to all that money, and he’s going to hear it from the 99.99999999…%!”

When asked to comment, the quiet cartographer shrugged as he looked up from his latest project, a hypothetical map of the planet Tatooine.

“I mean, I’m not actually going to keep it.”

According to his lawyer, the same Patsy Bingham responsible for the Tweet, Mr. Lillard has plans to fund his own research, an expedition into a particularly ambiguous plot of land in a neighboring county. He has agreed to hand over the rest of the money to government officials.

A source close to the President affirms that plans to find the next hiding spot have already begun.