Nothing gets my blood boiling like a good game of Smash.

I’m not sure why.

Sure I’m competitive, but what makes an N64 game any more frustrating than a game of football, or soccer, or even frolf? I’ve probably played a thousand different games over the years and I still can’t think of anything more aggravating.

It might just be that it’s fast-paced. Or that I’m in danger of losing one of my lives (I usually have 5 at the start). Or that the controller “messes up” all the time. Or that I feel like I should be much, much better than I actually am when I think about how many &$^#ing games I’ve played since I got to college. Or maybe it’s Clint. That scoundrel is way too good. And he can beat me with just about every player in the game. Not cool.

Whatever the reason, Smash Bros. gets me riled. As soon as the blue “GO!” lights up, my senses are sharper than the Master Sword and all that matters is sending my opponent(s) into the oblivion outside the screen. If I could somehow get a PET scan while playing, the display would light up like Times Square.

Still, the worst part about the game is the effect it has on my language. Super Smash Bros. will fill the mouth of any church-going man with the rankest garbage imaginable. It’s like a lubricant for all the gross compartments of our vocabularies, where the bleep’s and the censored’s are stored. Some of us spew, others whisper under our breath, but strong indeed is the man who can bite his lip from start to finish.

The worst case of Smash-wrath I ever had came during my freshman year. I was deeply engrossed in a game against my old arch-nemesis, Daniel Holst (aka Ness), when he sent me flying off screen for the final blow of the match. I was so infuriated that I lifted the chair I was sitting in and threw it against the ground, causing two of its wheels to fly off. I stormed out of the room, and it took two bottles of Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey to finally calm my nerves.

That last bit was a fabrication.

The point is, Super Smash Bros. is a game to be taken lightly. Invest too much of yourself, and you will rage and curse as you reap the consequences.